Those Phrases shared by My Dad That Helped Me when I became a New Father

"In my view I was simply in survival mode for twelve months."

Ex- reality TV personality Ryan Libbey expected to manage the demands of fatherhood.

But the actual experience rapidly became "completely different" to what he'd imagined.

Life-threatening health problems during the birth saw his partner Louise admitted to hospital. All of a sudden he was forced into becoming her primary caregiver in addition to taking care of their infant son Leo.

"I handled each nighttime feed, each diaper… each outing. The job of mother and father," Ryan stated.

Following nearly a year he became exhausted. That was when a talk with his own dad, on a bench in the park, that helped him see he required support.

The simple statement "You're not in a good spot. You require support. In what way can I help you?" paved the way for Ryan to talk openly, look for assistance and find a way back.

His story is not uncommon, but infrequently talked about. Although society is now more comfortable talking about the stress on mums and about post-natal depression, far less attention is paid about the difficulties new fathers face.

Asking for help is not weak to request support'

Ryan thinks his difficulties are symptomatic of a wider reluctance to open up amongst men, who often internalise harmful ideas of masculinity.

Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the harbour wall that just gets smashed and doesn't fall time and again."

"It isn't a display of failure to seek help. I didn't do that quick enough," he explains.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist who studies mental health pre and post childbirth, explains men frequently refuse to acknowledge they're having a hard time.

They can believe they are "not justified to be requesting help" - particularly in front of a new mother and infant - but she stresses their mental well-being is just as important to the household.

Ryan's chat with his dad offered him the opportunity to ask for a break - going on a couple of days away, outside of the home environment, to get a fresh outlook.

He came to see he needed to make a shift to pay attention to his and his partner's emotions alongside the practical tasks of taking care of a newborn.

When he opened up to Louise, he discovered he'd missed "what she needed" -holding her hand and listening to her.

Self-parenting

That epiphany has reshaped how Ryan views fatherhood.

He's now writing Leo letters each week about his feelings as a dad, which he aspires his son will read as he grows up.

Ryan believes these will help his son to better grasp the vocabulary of emotion and make sense of his decisions as a father.

The idea of "parenting yourself" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

When he was young Stephen was without reliable male parenting. Even with having an "amazing" bond with his dad, profound difficult experiences resulted in his father found it hard to cope and was "in and out" of his life, affecting their relationship.

Stephen says bottling up emotions caused him to make "terrible decisions" when younger to alter how he felt, seeking comfort in substance use as escapism from the hurt.

"You turn to things that don't help," he explains. "They may briefly alter how you are feeling, but they will in the end exacerbate the problem."

Advice for Getting By as a New Father

• Open up to someone - if you're feeling under pressure, speak to a trusted person, your spouse or a professional how you're feeling. It can help to ease the pressure and make you feel less isolated.
• Remember your hobbies - make time for the things that helped you to feel like yourself before becoming a parent. Examples include playing sport, socialising or playing video games.
• Pay attention to the body - eating well, staying active and when you can, getting some sleep, all play a role in how your mind is coping.
• Spend time with other first-time fathers - sharing their journeys, the challenges, and also the positive moments, can help to normalise how you're feeling.
• Remember that requesting help isn't failing - taking care of your own well-being is the optimal method you can look after your loved ones.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen understandably struggled to accept the passing, having been out of touch with him for a long time.

As a dad now, Stephen's committed not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his own son and instead provide the safety and nurturing he lacked.

When his son starts to have a tantrum, for example, they do "shaking it out" together - processing the feelings in a healthy way.

Both Ryan and Stephen explain they have become more balanced, healthier men since they acknowledged their struggles, transformed how they express themselves, and figured out how to control themselves for their sons.

"I'm better… dealing with things and dealing with things," states Stephen.

"I expressed that in a message to Leo last week," Ryan adds. "I said, sometimes I believe my job is to teach and advise you on life, but actually, it's a exchange. I am understanding as much as you are in this journey."